Happy Holidays from Opie & Anthony!
Anthony Today, we are thankful for being employed. Thankful that David Lee Roth sucked at doing radio and that CBS Radio had to rehire us to save radio because they couldn’t think of one other show to use in the entire world.
Opie Four years ago, we wrecked radio for everybody because the FCC took a closer look at what shock jocks were doing, and they clamped down on the rules. Radio got so boring that the stations suffered and they had to bring us back to save what we ruined. That’s amazing.
Bill Burr If I was the one giving the grace here, I’d make it as long and boring as possible just to annoy everyone else.
Jim Norton My grace would start, “Please let not a tranny call me by name when I drive by him in the meatpacking district.”
Patrice Oneal I never pray, man. I believe in God, but what are you going to say, “Thank you for this sandwich and this pot pie”? It’s trivial. What the fuck is God going to say? “You’re welcome, buddy!”
Otto Thanksgiving is about the slaughter of innocent people and rape and murder of a culture—oh, and have a drumstick. As a holiday, it’s about par with the rest.
Rich Vos All holidays are a scam from Hallmark to make cash. Secretary’s Day? Fuck that.
Anthony Jim looks like a 10-year-old waiting for that turkey.
Patrice If we run out of mashed potatoes, Jim could sit in the bowl naked.
Jim These guys always make fun of me for being mushy. Or for being a pervert or into trannies. We bash each other constantly. Rich is a big dumb Jew with little fingers. Patrice is an overeating, diabetic ape. Robert Kelly is a fatso. Billy is a repressed psychopath.
Robert Kelly Jim would like it if we poured those mashed potatoes on his chest.
Patrice Make them brown. And make sure the turkey has an Adam’s apple.
Jim We’re all deviants. I’m a recovering alcoholic, recovering addict, recovering sex addict. Everyone of us is an addictive creep. Billy’s the biggest psycho of all because he’s so quiet. He’s addicted to something—like cutting throats.
Anthony Comics are nothing but insecure douchebags who have to go after each other. If they take a second to think about how shitty their own lives are, they’d shoot themselves in the head.
Otto It’s a disgusting, lonely life on the road. I’ve fallen asleep while eating chicken wings and watching TV—fallen asleep while there was still food in my mouth. It’s pretty gross.
Rich I’ve been on the road and spent a Thanksgiving in a Krystal Burger.
Bill I wouldn’t invite any of these guys over for the holidays because we’d never eat—we’d just give each other shit.
Jim There’s a guy from the show named Pat from Moonachie who I wouldn’t want over. He’s a fat beast with nine toes. We had an eggnog-eating contest once and he drank 70 double shots of it before vomiting. It was the greatest audio ever captured. I wouldn’t want Patrice over for Thanksgiving either—he’s black.
The Feast
With the traditional pre-meal pleasantries out of the way, the group pass their plates and remember holidays past. Opie My family’s really big, so once we did Thanksgiving in a gymnasium—rented out some VA hall. The tables were in the middle of the court. We couldn’t keep the cousins calm, and they were shooting baskets throughout the whole meal. Balls were bouncing off the table and knocking into aunts’ heads.
Patrice As soon as I was old enough to cook, my mother would go to Atlantic City. Once, she went there for the holidays and I went to Brazil to visit third-world prostitutes.
Jim Thanksgiving is where all the filthy family secrets come out. Everybody gets drunk and confesses childhood molestation and all that other hot stuff.
Anthony I once confessed that I backed through the garage door of my mom’s old landlord. He was a real prick. So one night I thought it would be fun to get hammered and put a dent in the garage with my pickup truck. Except I hit this column in the middle, and the whole roof caved in. I drove away with half the roof in the back of my truck.
Opie Once around Thanksgiving I was at a wake for a co-worker. Everybody did their thing and said how nice this person was, and then my boss got up there at the podium and came out of the closet. We were all like, “Holy shit!”
Otto Thanksgiving is fun. Even if it rains, you can have a good time if there’s liquor.
Opie The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is one of the greatest drinking nights in the history of mankind.
Anthony You’re slammed hung-over, but after a couple beers, you’re the life of the table again.
Robert One Thanksgiving, I invited all of these loners over because they have no family or friends. My girlfriend prepared a 20-pound turkey and had her friends there. And these guys ruined it. All they did was make fun of the food, make fun of my apartment and make fun of my gay dogs. Within 20 minutes, all of my girlfriend’s friends had left. And these guys kept ordering my girlfriend around, like, “Darling, can I get some more water?”
Bill Bobby has the ugliest dogs ever. They look like they’re from Dr. Seuss.
Robert Jim Norton is in love with my dogs.
Rich Why, do they crawl on him and shit on his chin?
Robert I had a birthday party for my girl, and Jim went around saying he was the party photographer. All he did was take pictures of her friends’ tits.
The Aftermath
Everyone kicks back after gorging themselves, and Robert strums a guitar.Bill Robert looks like he’s a guitar hero who’s now old and out of shape. He looks like he’s in Blues Traveler.
Robert I look like a fat mariachi man.
Rich This went from a Thanksgiving dinner to a Mexican restaurant.
Patrice Robert is starting to look like an O&A fan—a little fat man.
Anthony We had our listeners do a rat- eating contest once. Two chefs killed New York City street rats , then skinned and cooked them. People went back for seconds. We also had a guy pull a maggot-size gob of puss out of his ear and another listener licked it off.
Opie I have a great Thanksgiving memory. Being in radio, we sometimes acquire certain things of interest. One year, we were at my brother’s house and I had the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape—back when there were only 10 copies of it floating around, tops. We gathered around the TV upstairs, watching Tommy give it to Pam, and just then my brother walked in to tell us it was time to eat. He saw what was going on and said, “Happy Thanksgiving everyone.”
Anthony It’s those special family moments that are so important.
Opie For the last 10 years, we’ve been trying to do this Thanksgiving promotion on our show called Feels for Meals.
Anthony Picture this: Put a nude woman inside a refrigerator box and cut holes where her breasts are. Then, guys will bring canned goods to feel her tits. They get feels, the homeless get meals—everybody wins. But the lawyers think it’s better to have homeless people starve than have gentlemen squeezing a girl’s tits. It’s feeling cans for cans—it’s brilliant on every level.
Jim We are all sexual deviants and addictive creeps, but if you look at the history, Opie and Anthony are bigger fuck-ups than all of us.
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